03-24-2011

“Why I’d Like to Punch Victoria and Steal Her Secret.” Or, “Victoria’s Secret Must Haves.”

by Erin Flynn

It’s sort of like that scene from Mean Girls (you know back when Lindsay had red hair), the part where she daydreams about attacking the “Alpha Plastic.” Yeah, that’s kind of what I’m thinking here.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a sucker for Victoria’s Secret swimsuits, bras, and pretty much anything else, but that doesn’t discount the fact that punching Victoria and stealing her secret wouldn’t bring me some delight.

After all, is it really necessary to flaunt gorgeous models in every ad or use holy terms like miracle and angel when describing my bust size? Nope, not really.

As for stealing the secret, contrary to popular belief Victoria’s Secret isn’t out. And frankly, I’m kind of annoyed about it (enter sarcasm stage left).

I thought I knew it. I thought I had it figured out. The secret, the holy grail, the magic solution to being a Victoria’s Secret girl. There it was in People Magazine, US Weekly, Huffington Post, and the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Shows for all to see. It was obvious!

The qualifications to being a Victoria’s Secret girl:

You had to be foreign, marry a hot guy, grow to abnormal heights, strike a fierce pose, wear wings, and have a little or a lot of extra “umph” around the chest.

I’ve given it my best shot.  Over the years I’ve attempted the following:

1. Be Foreign

Check!  (Became Irish. My married name is now Erin Flynn.)

2. Grow to Abnormal Heights

Check! Average height for women in the U.S. = 5 feet 4 inches.

(Erin = 5 feet 9 inches)

3. Strike a Fierce Pose

Check! Result Below:

4. Marry a Hot Guy

Check! Result Below:

5. Umph in the Chest

Check! Who said ruffles didn’t count?

6. Wear Wings

Check! Or just fly?!

Clearly I’ve tried them all and have yet to receive a call from Victoria’s Angels or agents. So here I am, once again, and sadly no closer to finding Victoria’s secret.

But if you can’t steal them, join them. Right?

You can find me at the local Victoria’s Secret purchasing my next bra. Didn’t you see the photos? We all know I need it! (I can’t wear ruffles everyday…)

Here’s 3 Victoria’s Secret Must Haves

1. Incredible Bra

2. Loungewear

3. Seamless Panties

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

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